Spoons, Swipes & Self-Worth: Dating Beyond the “I’m Too…” Narrative

Condition InformationPatient + Caregiver Chronicles

Feb 12

Let’s be honest: Dating is hard.

With a calendar not only filled with the general work demands, family and friends’ birthdays, but the slew of doctor appointments, follow-ups, it’s a challenge. Many of us are too busy worrying about picking up prescriptions to think about picking up a new boo.

However for some of us, if we take a deep look, it’s less about prioritizing our health and more about the inner narratives we hold about dating with chronic illness (for me, lupus). Our illness can sometimes feel like a barrier to the possibility of love. Now, there are definitely seasons where we might need to focus on ourselves and our healing; please, make sure you do so! But ask yourself, is it really that or have the “I’m too..”s taken over? The “I’m too’s” we repeat to ourselves may be real and rooted in past experiences and disappointments, but here are a few alternatives that can challenge common beliefs about dating with a chronic illness:

1. I’m too sick to look:

It definitely takes energy to be in spaces and places where you might find potential special someones, especially with the limited spoons (capacity) we possess. If the singles happy hour at your local bar sounds draining, then consider ways to engage with people in everyday places like the grocery, a local coffee shop, or faith-based institutions. You’ll be surprised how often people connect over small questions like “Hey, do you know how to pick a good mango?” or “What’s the best pastry on the menu?” It might sound cheesy but “Do you come here often?” is still a great way to spark conversation.

Another option is to meet people from the comfort of your bed…through dating apps! According to a Pew Research Survey, “One-in-ten partnered adults – meaning those who are married, living with a partner or in a committed romantic relationship – met their current significant other through a dating site or app.” And now many apps have the ability to make phone calls so you can securely speak to people safely before you meet them without giving your personal number.

A word of advice: Be mindful of if you’re swiping left on people that you’d actually talk to if you met them in person. We can get really picky when we feel like we have an unlimited menu.

2. I’m too sick to casually date:

The thought of having to go out regularly to audition these suitors sounds like a flare in itself. There are ways to reduce the energy spent on dating by making it work for you. Schedule meet-ups during optimal times based on your patterns and things already planned. You were going to eat food anyways, right? Making a date out of it just gives you company. If you’re usually drained at the end of the day, how about breakfast or a coffee date? If you need to sleep in, meet up for lunch. Or make it an early dinner on lighter work days. Consider other ways to suggest company for regular things you do, like farmers markets, grabbing a bite near your pharmacy (you don’t have to share why you chose that area), a fun class you wanted to take, anything that might kill two birds with one stone.

3. I’m too different from other people due to my illness:

According to the CDC, 76% of the US population has at least one chronic illness, so chances are that we aren’t that different. The reality is that everyone has a battle they’re dealing with, whether it’s theirs or a loved one. And life is a crazy thing; with those statistics, that person that says that your situation is too complex may very well join the chronically ill ranks in the future. Don’t let anyone tell you your condition makes you less worthy of love and affection because is 50% of the US is married, and 76% have an illness, then the odds are still in your favor.

4. I’m too much…No one wants to date a sick person:

You’re right; they may not want to date a sick person, but they sure may want to date a GREAT person who HAPPENS to be sick. Our identity is not our illness. Yes, there are some people who aren’t built for the needs of a partner navigating health challenges, and it’s best to find out as early as possible so they can get out the way. Please know that there are others who will not care because they want to date YOU, the person who loves sci-fi movies, laughs at dad jokes, and has a big smile with an even bigger heart.

Lupus (and other chronic illnesses) may play a big role in our lives, but we have way more to offer as a companion. If you find that every conversation begins and ends with stories of your doctor and what your labs said, you are showing up as your illness and not making space for actual connection. If you need a reminder of why you’re amazing, ask your friends and family for a few of your amazing qualities. And if the process of separating who you are from what you’ve been through and dealing with feels impossible, finding a qualified therapist to support you would be a step in the right direction to finding joy in yourself, which is honestly more important than finding joy with a partner.

About the author

Shanelle Gabriel brings creativity to all she does. As a dynamic performing artist, motivational speaker, lupus advocate, and purpose-driven educator, she has toured across the country and around the world sharing her unique talent. Her performances feel like more like conversations. Shanelle can design tailored performances, workshops, or trainings aligned with your organization or school's goals, audience, and vision.